Attorney Grossman

Have a Little Faith Provides Communication Tips for our Loving Relationships

2010-06-15T05:12:00.000-07:00

Have a Little Faith chronicles Mitch Albom’s eight year journey of his developing relationship with two separate and distinct men of faith – one is his childhood Rabbi, who is now 82, and the other is a Detroit pastor, who is a reformed drug dealer preaching in a run-down church.

Although the book is about two inspirational men, and how their religious beliefs can inspire all of us, Have a Little Faith also provides communication tips for our loving relationships.

• The necessity of communication in marriage: Albom writes of the Rabbi’s experience officiating at countless weddings, and how the Rabbi is enlightened to how marriage works. Albom asks the Rabbi if he can predict which marriages will last, and the Rabbi immediately responds, “If they’re communicating well, they have a good chance. If they have a similar belief system, similar values, they have a good chance.”

• How anger destroys us: On the discussion of conflict and anger, the Rabbi counsels Albom, “It does no good to be angry or carry grudges.” He adds that people shouldn’t let their anger start in the first place.

• Discussing the power of forgiveness in reaching resolution: The Rabbi said when he has a discussion with someone after they had a disagreement, he always starts with, “I’ve thought about it, and in some ways, maybe you’re right.” The Rabbi said although he didn’t always believe that, it made the situation more relaxed and defused the conflict. They could then have a negotiation.

The Rabbi also says we are too slow in asking for forgiveness from our loved ones. He tells Albom a story about a man who buried his wife, and at the gravesite, the man has tears falling down his face.

The man says to the Rabbi, “I loved her.”

The Rabbi responds that he knows.

The man then says, “I mean…I really loved her.”

After a pause, the man says, “And I almost told her once.”

The Rabbi concludes, “Nothing haunts like the things we don’t say.”

The Guys Only Guide to Divorce

2010-05-29T04:10:00.000-07:00

The Guys-Only Guide to Getting Over Divorce (and on With Life, Sex and Relationships)tackles common divorce questions in a Q & A format. It is written by psychologists Sam Buser and Glenn Sternes based on their experiences counseling men through divorce.

The topics including choosing an attorney, dating, and explaining divorce to your children.

You can buy the book here: http://astore.amazon.com/wwwattorneygr-20/detail/1886298327

http://www.miamiherald.com/2010/05/28/1652530/new-divorce-guide-aimed-at-men.html

Is Your Former Spouse Stopping You From Relocating?

2010-05-09T05:01:00.000-07:00

Is your former spouse stopping you from relocating for a new job?

My client, Jane, had lost her job and home and wanted to move outside of Florida. She had been offered a new job in Texas. Of course, this meant relocating the two children she shared with her former husband, John. John, however, was not in agreement to let their children move and give up his regular parenting time. It has become common in this economy to be presented with this type of scenario.

Florida Statute 61.13001 controls the possible relocation of children after a divorce separation if there’s no agreement between the parents. The courts weigh this request on its own merits, looking at all the relevant facts and circumstances, with the priority being placed on the best interests of the child.

Many child development professionals take the position that the best parent is both parents, meaning that the parents should have an equal, or almost equal, timesharing arrangement. In my experience, the amount of time that the secondary caregiver spends with the child is a huge factor for the Judge considering relocation of a child. In my case, if John is routinely exercising all of his parenting time (and is current with his child support obligations), it is difficult to establish an appropriate replacement timesharing schedule after a relocation.

Many parents wishing to relocate point to the fact that the relocation will improve their financial situation. They argue that the move makes them more financially stable, and therefore, that has a positive effect on the child. However, it’s clear in Florida law that what's best for a parent isn't necessarily what’s best for the child. You can't just assume that improving the parent's financial situation will be seen by the Judge as an improvement for the child.

Florida Statute 61.13001 requires the parent who wishes to relocate the child to provide particular detailed information to the Court. If the relocation request is based on a new job offer, any written job offer must be attached to the petition.

Unfortunately for the parent, there is a real difficulty in having the Judge hear the request before the time to accept the job offer terminates. If you file a motion for a temporary relocation while the petition is pending, the law says the hearing must occur within 30 days of filing the motion; however, the Judge may not be willing to truly consider the relocation until a final hearing.

Why Should Parenting Time Be Considered a Parent's Obligation to a Child?

2010-04-15T05:46:00.000-07:00

In most court cases, the parents, or the Judge, decide that ongoing and continuing contact with both parents is in the best interests of the children. What happens when continuing contact is not maintained by one parent, however?

Florida law does not require parents to exercise their parenting time. However, studies have shown that inconsistent contact with one parent may be detrimental to the children. There are some people that believe parenting time should be a parent’s obligation, not a right that they can choose to ignore.

Why should parenting time be a parent’s obligation to a child?

Inconsistent contact can lead the child to experience psychological problems due to the ongoing feelings of disappointment when parenting time is cancelled. The child may also blame their primary parent as the reason for the inconsistent contact with the other parent.

There are a number of reasons why a parent may not exercise parenting time. If the reason is emotional, the parents should seek further counseling and education to address the lingering emotions. If the reason is due to geography, work schedule, or remarriage, the parents should consider modifying the parenting schedule to be more realistic taking into account the existing restrictions.

How Can We Prevent Child Abuse?

2010-04-01T13:04:00.000-07:00

Does a week go by without news of some sort of child abuse? It certainly seems like there’s an abusive incident every week.

This past week, my hometown news agencies reported about a 19-year-old man having a sexual relationship with a 12-year-old girl. It appears the girl agreed to have sex and considered the man her boyfriend. How did this adult male believe that his behavior was acceptable? Where are the girl’s parents or guardian?

Other types of abuses are even more common. The abuses include fatalities, neglect, physical injuries, and psychological damage.

How can we prevent child abuse?

April is National Child Abuse Prevention Month. Since 1974, there has been federal legislation intended to support communities in providing programs and services to protect children and strengthen families. In 1982, Congress made a further commitment to identifying and implementing solutions to child abuse by proclaiming National Child Abuse Prevention Week. The next year, the proclamation became a month-long period of recognition.

During April, we can all focus on abusive behavior and stamping out all forms of abuse. Here are some ideas:

• Educate families on preventing abuse and neglect
• Promote positive parenting
• Volunteer for a Guardian ad Litem program and other agencies focused on representing children’s interests
• Mentor a child through an organization like Big Brothers, Big Sisters
• Support child welfare advocates and child abuse legislation

Great Tips on Improving Communication With Your Spouse

2010-03-25T07:13:00.000-07:00

Attorney & Mediator Stephen F. McDonough founded The Divorce Collaborative LLC of Medway, MA in 2009 desiring to have a firm dedicated to helping clients through divorce and other family law matters. He promotes alternatives to litigation, including divorce mediation and collaborative divorce.

Attorney McDonough has written a humorous and helpful blog post on improving communication between spouses.

http://www.divorcecollaborative.com/bite-head-tips-improve-spousal-communications/#comment-198

How To Discuss Collaborative Divorce With Your Spouse

2010-03-21T11:00:00.000-07:00

An excellent commentary on Collaborative Law and how to offer your spouse a cooperative approach in your divorce. The blog post is written by Richard Sharp, who has practiced as a solicitor in Family Law and Divorce litigation for over 25 years in Bath, Bristol, Swindon and London.

http://www.familylawcollaborativedivorce.co.uk/2010/03/articles/it-takes-two-to-get-coparenting-after-divorce/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+FamilyLawCollaborativeDivorceBlog+(Family+Law+Collaborative+Divorce+Blog)

How Do You Create a Parenting Plan When Conflict Still Exists?

2010-03-15T05:17:00.000-07:00

A Parenting Plan is supposed to provide a family with structure for parenting by detailing how the parents will exchange and contact the children, how the parents will share important information, and how they will discuss important decisions. A Parenting Plan recognizes the importance of both parents playing an active role in the children's lives and avoiding placing the children in the middle of personal feelings and conflicts. When is the right time, however, for parents to mutually create a Parenting Plan?

Florida law requires all parents to have a Parenting Plan as part of a final order. At the time of the court proceedings, though, parents may be experiencing a number of emotions that affect their ability to create a long-term plan as co-parents. It is not uncommon for a person going through a divorce (or other Family Law proceeding) to experience feelings of denial, anger, and/or avoidance. This is not necessarily the correct time to make long-term decisions that impact children. How do you create a Parenting Plan when conflict still exists?

One of the ways to work through these emotions and create a workable Parenting Plan is to make certain it is lengthy and detailed. A detailed Parenting Plan protects both parents from being manipulated by the other parent. If there are residual emotions between the parents, the Parenting Plan should discuss how to handle issues that arise out of the conflicted parenting. This may mean the parents are allowed a period of time to disengage from each other for a short period of time. The parents would agree in the Parenting Plan that during the disengagement period:
• They will not communicate about minor issues;
• They will communicate using email and letters to avoid impulsive remarks;
• They will not use the children as messengers;
• They will work with a counselor, parenting coordinator, or mediator; and
• They will focus on doing their best job as a parent without criticizing the other parent.

The Parenting Plan that allows for periods of disengagement should also recognize a method for cooperative parenting in the future, which is in the best interests of the children. Cooperative parenting exists when the level of conflict between parents is low and they can talk to each other about their children's needs in a healthy way.

10 Conversations You Need to Have With Your Children

2010-03-01T05:21:00.000-08:00

The theme of 10 Conversations You Need to Have With Your Children by Shmuley Boteach is to teach your children to find their own way in the world by listening to their own, unique, inner voices. It’s a great message for all parents.

Some great parenting tips from Boteach are as follows:
• Continuously challenge your children to decide whether they want to be a good person or a bad person as part of your disciplinary methods
• Teach your children to be curious about people and life
• Admonishing children must be done sparingly and not overdone so that your Children don’t feel like you’re constantly pointing our their flaws
• Teach your children that one of the great secrets of life is that we all can control our emotions by controlling our actions
• Teach your children to never give someone the key to their self-esteem and worth. Children need to know they are a valuable person, and one can take that away from them
• Don’t let anger fester. If your child is angry with you, you need to deal with it, and even if your child only thinks he’s angry with you, you need to figure that out, too.
• Share family meals for opportunities to converse and share

Boteach stresses the importance of interaction with your children. He says that everything that happens in life provides an opportunity for conversation, and you shouldn’t overlook those opportunities; rather, you should train yourselves to see them.

All parents can learn from Boteach’s book that making the investment in children by conversing with them and teaching them their uniqueness will reap rewards. Work on motivating your children to hear their inner voices, and it will inspire them to become better people. Boteach says, “Success is never immediate, and sometimes it’s nowhere in evidence, but talking to your kids really works.”

3 Things to Communicate to Your Children of Divorce

2010-02-15T19:25:00.000-08:00

It should be no surprise to parents that divorce has a huge emotional impact on children. Children’s needs should be paramount in a divorce, and parents should focus on their children in a less confrontational manner.

Children have to know that their feelings of anger, disappointment, and confusion are normal. Divorcing parents should learn ways to speak with their children about loving both parent, spending time with both parents, and living in separate households. These are the concepts that should be communicated to children:

1. Children don’t have to choose one parent over the other. Both parents love them, and they are entitled to love both parents without feelings of guilt or betrayal. They are entitled to spend time with both parents without complication, disruption, or hostility. Children need both parents in their lives, especially during the emotional turmoil of a divorce.

2. Children don’t have to lose their relatives. A breakdown in a family relationship doesn’t require the loss of important relatives. Children are still related to their grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. They shouldn’t feel they have to give up those important bonds.

3. Children shouldn’t be embarrassed by their feelings. It’s normal to be scared, angry, sad, and confused. They should know that these feelings shouldn’t be dismissed or ignored. They need to know they have to find ways effective ways to transform and manage their feelings, which includes speaking with their mother, father, therapist, and/or other trusted adult.

How to Survive Financially After a Divorce

2010-02-01T09:42:00.000-08:00

In these hard, economic times, here's a great basic look on how to survive financially after a divorce. It's written by financial planner, Justin Reckers.

Family in Fiction

2010-01-30T03:36:00.000-08:00

This is Where I Leave You by Jonathan Tropper is an enjoyable fictional account of family life. The characters are well-defined and interesting, and the dialogue is witty and humorous. The Jewish references are more recognizable by someone who grew up in a Jewish family; however, I believe everyone can recognize parts of their own family within the characters and the events.The ending is left open and somewhat undefined. Although that didn't affect my enjoyment of the book, others may find it to have a lack of closure.

How Parenting Plans Help Children

2010-01-15T07:27:00.000-08:00

A Parenting Plan provides a structure for parenting. It explains in detail how the parents will exchange and contact the children, how the parents share important information, and how they will discuss important decisions.

Children have the right to love both of their parents and not have to choose one of their parents over the other. Parenting Plans provide a method for the parents to create a loving, strong relationship between the children and both parents. They provide ways for children and parents to spend additional time together on top of the regular time sharing schedule. They provide the method for parents to communicate about activities, happenings, and other special events.

Children do not belong in the middle of their parent’s dispute. Sometimes parents are so emotionally caught up in their disputes, they unintentionally involve their children. Parenting Plans provide a method for communicating and decision-making between parents with the goal of avoiding arguments in the children’s presence. Parenting Plans also provide alternative methods to settle disputes. Effective use of these alternative methods reduces the anger and hostility and leads to better decisions for the children.

Co-Parenting tips from a mediator

2010-01-01T08:00:00.000-08:00

I found this great article on co-parenting written by Brian James, a Divorce mediator in Illinois and Wisconsin.

Domestic Violence and Divorce in the News...Again

2009-12-29T04:30:00.000-08:00

The recent news of Charlie Sheen's arrest for domestic violence reminds us that domestic violence prevention is a topic that needs repeating. Unfortunately, domestic violence can play a role in family relationships as part of a divorce.

It's alleged that Sheen threatened his wife, Brooke Mueller Sheen, with a knife in response to her request for a divorce. Sheen denies the allegations.

Here's an article about domestic violence prevention in the News-Press. There will also be a live chat on news-press.com at 2:00 this afternoon with Laura Streyffeler, a licensed mental health counselor.

Apology and Forgiveness Renewing Love

2009-12-15T07:10:00.000-08:00

As I was contemplating a conflict occurring between members of my own family, I stumbled across this meditation in my Jewish prayerbook:

Avinu Malkenu, bless my family with peace. Teach us to appreciate the treasures of our lives. Help us to find contentment in one another. Save us from dissension and jealousy; shield us from pettiness and rivalry. May selfish pride not divide us; may pride in one another unite us. Help us to renew our love for one another continually.

This meditation recognizes that we all have inner faults and the ability to make mistakes: jealousy, pettiness, rivalry, and selfishness. This is certainly not an exhaustive list.

It also recognizes that we control our own decisions, our own actions, and our own lives. The meditation places a high value on appreciating each other, finding contentment with one another, and being proud of each other. Interestingly, it recognizes that our love for each other wavers, and it needs to be renewed continually.

This meditation led me to think about the power of apology and forgiveness. When we recognize that we have faults, we are recognizing that we have reasons to apologize. When we recognize that we should appreciate each other (as treasures) and find contentment in one another despite our faults, we are recognizing that we have the power to forgive.

I hope that you find it within yourself to apologize fervently; and I hope you find it within yourself to forgive. Within those discoveries, your love shall be renewed.

3.5 Ways to Manage Stress During a Divorce

2009-12-01T04:35:00.000-08:00

Research has shown that the only event more stressful than divorce and marital separation is the death of your spouse. There are some things you can do to manage the stress you are feeling during your divorce/separation.

Here are 3 ideas with a bonus idea:

1. Usually during the time of divorce/separation, you are attempting to juggle new responsibilities related to financial obligations, living arrangements, and children. Once divorce proceedings begin, you then have to stay aware of your responsibilities associated with those proceedings, which can be overwhelming on its own. You can maintain better control of how you are spending your time and energy by organizing yourself.

2. During the time of divorce/separation, you will probably discover which of your friends are supportive, which ones disappear when you need their assistance, and which ones try to convince you that you are making mistakes. It is important to control who is surrounding you. Get rid of the toxic relationships and hold on to those who provide you emotional support.

3. During the time of divorce/separation, it’s very easy to find ways to blame yourself for the loss of the relationship or to wonder why you failed to see what a jerk your spouse is at the beginning of the relationship. Find ways to provide yourself positive thoughts. Read positive thinking books, talk to a therapist, talk with supportive friends, read positive quotes of great people, and surround yourself with posters and cards bearing positive messages.

3.5. It’s very easy to convince yourself you don’t have time, energy, or money to do something for yourself when you are working through a divorce/separation. It is important, however, to exercise and plan leisure activities to take care of yourself. It doesn’t matter if they are small and inexpensive action steps. The point is that you have to maintain your health and productivity, and you need activities you look forward to participating in.

Divorcing the Holidays

2009-11-15T02:45:00.000-08:00

“Both of my parents are such integral parts of my perception of holidays…”

This is the opening of a short movie called A New Cup of Wine. The movie describes the struggles of 17-year-old Doria Charlson after her parents have divorced. Her favorite holiday used to be Passover; she now finds it to be a confusing and depressing experience, however, as she splits time between her mother and father’s homes.

When her parents were together, Doria’s father provided the ritualistic knowledge and her mother provided the “fun”. Now that the holiday has been separated, both home’s celebrations are lacking the balance she adored. Doria finds she has to find ways to adapt to her new holiday experience.

Parents need to recognize and acknowledge that their children may be feeling stressed and overwhelmed during a normally joyful holiday. Here are some tips to help them manage the stress and keep the holiday as a positive experience:

• Don’t ask your child to choose who they want to spend the holiday with. Children love both their parents and don’t want to be placed in position to choose one over the other
• Plan ahead with your co-parent, and clearly communicate to your child about the holiday plans
• Do your best to maintain any traditions that are important to your child
• Start a new tradition if the old tradition conflicts with your child spending time with both parents or if the old tradition can’t be accomplished by one parent alone
• Don’t overpromise – fulfill whatever obligations you’ve made to your child
• Assist and encourage your child to maintain communication with your co-parent during the holiday
• Coordinate any gift-giving with your co-parent, and assist your child in selecting or making a gift for your co-parent

Can We Listen?

2009-11-01T08:28:00.000-08:00

“Listen to my words.”

I must use that phrase a hundred times a day with my young children. They tend to be independent thinkers, and they succumb easily to their juvenile whims. That’s when I have to look them in the eyes and say, “Listen to my words.”

How many times a day should someone think of using that phrase with you?

It is common for people to hear only ten percent of what is said to them. Many times this is due to poor listening skills. Poor listening skills can alienate the people you work with and damage your relationships. Without the ability to listen, you are only responding to the thoughts in your own head.

People like to feel respected and important. Proficient listening skills show you appreciate the person you’re speaking with. Listening includes trying to understand what the other person is saying as well as feeling.

Here are five ways to improve your listening skills:
1. Maintain good eye contact
2. Ask questions
3. React using head and face gestures
4. Summarize the important points periodically
5. Maintain attentive and respectful body language

If nothing else, you should always remember Mark Twain’s words: “If we were supposed to talk more than we listen, we would have two mouths and one ear.”

The Nobel Prize for Conflict Management

2009-10-15T07:46:00.001-07:00

What is the Nobel Peace Prize supposed to represent, and how does it relate to conflict management?

This seems like a good question to ask on Conflict Resolution Day (Created by the Association for Conflict Resolution, it is celebrated the third Thursday in October every year) following the recent debate over President Barack Obama’s receipt of the award.

Are we as a society diminishing the value of an individual’s “commitment” to conflict management? Are we only recognizing value in the final result?

Many pundits have criticized the 2009 award being given to President Obama because he has not done anything yet, which must mean that he hasn’t yet achieved the final goal of eliminating conflict. Certainly, he has spoken out against conflict, he has met with other leaders to discuss and appeal for conflict resolution, and he has grappled with how to proceed with the military actions he inherited.

Instead of demanding solid results of international conflict resolution in a 10-month period, should we recognize that many need to increase their commitment for true conflict management. The necessary mindset includes a desire to understand opposing viewpoints before reaching judgment, an ability to set aside ego and admit mistakes, and an ability to recognize there is typically more than one solution to a problem.

The Nobel Prizes were created in 1896 from the estate of Alfred Nobel. His will specifically designated the award of five “prizes” for those who “have conferred the greatest benefit on mankind”. The Peace Prize is for “the person who shall have done the most or the best work for fraternity between nations, for the abolition or reduction of standing armies and for the holding and promotion of peace congresses”.

The Nobel Committee announced that President Obama is receiving the award because of “his extraordinary efforts to strengthen international diplomacy and cooperation between peoples. The Committee has attached special importance to Obama's vision of and work for a world without nuclear weapons.”

The language used by Alfred Nobel in his will clearly discusses the consideration of individuals who have worked towards conflict resolution and towards building peacemaking alliances. Nobel shrewdly recognized that conflict management is a process, an evolution. In recognizing President Obama, the Nobel Committee correctly recognized that the process is difficult and it starts with individual commitment, which is unfortunately the exception, not the norm.

Facebook & Divorce

2009-10-01T07:52:00.000-07:00

Social media, like Facebook, is changing the family, and not only in a positive way. In some instances, spouses are using these newfound tools in a destructive manner.

The potential to meet and communicate with new friends has certainly improved with the growth of the internet. Facebook has become increasingly popular with adults, and it has become a great way to track down old flames. The anonymity of the computer also allows people to say and do things they wouldn’t necessarily do face-to-face.

Social media has assisted spouses in finding willing partners for cheating relationships. Flirting and full-blown affairs seems to have become more common. Here are some signs that your spouse may be having an online affair:
• Loss of interest in spending time or being sexually active with you
• Spending long hours on the computer, especially at night
• Maintaining a number of email accounts
• Being secretive about being on the computer and about sharing computer passwords

Social media has also become an avenue to share all the dirty, nasty secrets of an ending relationship. Spouses are boasting about their cheating relationships and even displaying pictures of their activities. They’re additionally posting inflammatory opinions about their ex for their circle of friends, and maybe the whole world, to see.

If your relationship is ending, here are some internet no-no’s:
• Venting about your divorce, your spouse, your kids, your lawyers, or your judge
• Showing off new purchases or vacations
• Displaying photos of “party” behavior
• Being tagged by friends in their “party” pictures

Children Safety

2009-09-15T06:52:00.000-07:00

Parents have a duty to keep their children safe. The following is a recent article from the Associated Press about the dangers of having a snake in the home:

The Associated Press
OXFORD, Fla. — Authorities say the mother of a little girl who was suffocated by a pet python has been charged in the child's death.

The Sumter County Sheriff's Office reports that 19-year-old Jaren Ashley Hare and her boyfriend, 32-year-old Charles Jason Darnell, were both charged Monday with manslaughter, third degree murder and child abuse in the July 1 death of 2-year-old Shaianna Hare. The mother reportedly turned herself in Monday afternoon, and Darnell was already in jail on an unrelated drug charge.

Authorities say Darnell found the 8-foot python wrapped around the girl the morning of her death. He stabbed it several times, and it eventually released her. A medical examiner determined that the girl died from asphyxiation.

Hare and Darnell were each being held on $35,000 bail.

Celebrate Constitution DAy

2009-09-01T13:58:00.000-07:00

With the final stroke of his pen, on September 17, 1787, the final delegate set his signature on the parchment paper. It was done. A new structure of government was born. The long and hard work, however, was not over. The thirteen states still needed to ratify the Constitution of the United States.

Until the Constitutional Convention, the thirteen states were working under the weak and ineffective Articles of Confederation. Many of the state leaders recognized the need for a stronger government, and they agreed to meet in Philadelphia in 1787 to revise the Articles. Only twelve states sent delegates because Rhode Island was afraid of losing its individual rights as a state.

The convention delegates immediately decided not to revise the Articles; rather, they would write a new Constitution. In this decision, the delegates exceeded their designated powers, and many of them did not agree with the final draft. George Mason, of Virginia, wrote a list of objections to the drafted Constitution, including that it did not contain a Bill of Rights, it gave some of the branches of government too much power, and it did not adequately protect the rights of the individual states.

On the last day of the Convention, Benjamin Franklin encouraged all the delegates to sign the completed Constitution. He said, “I confess that there are several parts of this Constitution which I do not at present approve… (But) the older I grow, the more apt I am to doubt my own judgment, and to pay more respect to the judgment of others… In these sentiments…I agree with this Constitution with all its faults, if they are such; because I think a general Government necessary for us…(and) I doubt…whether any other Convention we can obtain, may be able to make a better Constitution.”

After four months of work, only 39 of the 55 delegates to the Convention signed the Constitution. It required nine states to ratify the Constitution. By the end of 1787, Delaware, Pennsylvania, and New Jersey ratified. However, the debate heated up between those who favored a strong central government and those who wanted more independence for the states. In 1788, New Hampshire became the ninth state to ratify, and this new, complex government went into effect. George Washington was unanimously chosen as President.

As citizens of the United States, we now recognize September 17th of each year as “Citizenship Day” and the week of September 17th through 23rd of each year as “Constitution Week”. It’s a great time to share this part of American history with your kids. Teach them about the background of the Constitution. Discuss and debate the strengths and flaws. Take time to read it. Books and videos are available as resources.

There is some wonderful information available on the Internet as well. Two great websites to start with are the National Constitution Center (www.constitutioncenter.org) and the National Center for Constitutional Studies (www.nccs.net). Maybe someday you will even make a trip to the National Archives building in Washington, DC to see the original Constitution.

Conflict...Talk About It, Part 2

2009-08-01T07:25:00.000-07:00

The Source of Conflict

Air Force Maj. Michele A. Gill with the Joint Advertising, Market Research and Studies program believes that it was more common to enlist in the military in past generations because many parents served and children often grew up around veterans. She says, “There are a lot of parents in today’s generation who have not served in the military, so there could be a lack of information out there about what the military has to offer. Maybe the only thing they know about the military is what they see on the movies or in the news.”

The presumption within Gill’s statement is that parents are more inclined to encourage their children to seek a college education or vocational training. The consideration of military service is therefore a conflict with their beliefs.

Parents as Decision Makers

The marketing campaign targets the middle-aged parents of young adults between 17 and 22 years old.

Gill says, “There are few things as influential as the parents’ advice and support. That’s why we want parents to know the facts [about military service]. My parents were definitely a part of that decision-making process. I wanted their support. I wanted their advice. If they would have highly discouraged it, I probably wouldn’t have gone into the military.”

Knowing the Facts

Gill says, “Military service can be a difficult subject to broach. That’s why it’s important for parents to know the facts. … Our goal … is to educate the families and give them a reliable, honest look at what the military has to offer, and even some of the risks that are involved, … just to help them make a wise decision.”

A Frank and Honest Discussion

Matt Boehmer, Director of Joint Advertising, Market Research and Studies, says “We can remind parents that if their son or daughter wants to serve, having the right information and talking about it is always a good idea. If our campaign can do that in an honest, respectful and empathetic voice, perhaps we can encourage families to have an open dialogue during the decision-making process.”

“We want the conversation to happen between the parent and the young person regardless of whether the young person decides to join the military or not,” Gill says. “We want to encourage parents to really listen to their son or daughter...”

Gill continues, “Just the fact that they’re having the conversation is ‘mission accomplished’ for us.”

What can you learn from the military’s marketing campaign in terms of conflict management in your own life?

1. Identify and understand the source of conflict;
2. Identify the decision makers and understand their interests and concerns;
3. Clarify that every decision maker is working with the same set of facts; and
4. Encourage a frank and honest discussion about everyone’s interests and concerns before taking any positions.

Conflict...Talk About It, Part 1

2009-07-15T07:18:00.000-07:00

It’s a big decision. Talk about it.

That’s the bottom line message of the most recent United States Military marketing campaign, which is titled “Conversations”.

I recently flipped to the page in a magazine, and read the following:

“Your daughter wants to enlist in the Military. You want her to go to college. Is this the end of the conversation? Or the beginning?”

Similar advertising is found on television and on the web, depicting parents having discussions about military service with their recruitment-age children. Officials with the Department of Defense’s Joint Advertising, Market Research and Studies program believe the marketing campaign accurately reflects conversations that are taking place in homes across America.

Of interest to me is that the marketing campaign presumes a few things:

1. The consideration of joining the military is a source of conflict.
2. Parents are important decision makers in their children’s consideration of joining the military.
3. Parents don’t know all the facts about military service.
4. If parents and children have a frank and honest discussion about military service based on facts, then everybody has won, regardless of the final decision.

In Part 2 of this post, I will examine these presumptions and tell you how you can apply the themes of the military’s marketing campaign to conflict management in your own life.

What Do Your Children Have To Say?

2009-07-01T05:50:00.000-07:00

What do your children’s words say to you? Are you taking the time to truly listen? Poor listening skills may be damaging your relationships with your children as well as affecting their personal growth.

Active Listening

Understand I am not talking about hearing your children; I am talking about actively listening to them. Active listening means responding in a way that encourages further communication and interaction. Ann Sell, a licensed mental health counselor who works with families, says, “Active listening is a technique whereby the adult responds by summarizing what the child has just said. This type of listening keeps the child talking and eventually gets to the heart of the problem and the true feelings behind the problem.”

Think about the conversations you have enjoyed with other adults. It is likely the other person listened intently to you and encouraged you to speak more freely. An active listener makes you feel important. Active listening also decreases the chances of being misunderstood because the listener focuses on your words and asks questions to clarify any areas of confusion.

Listening to young children is much harder than listening to adults. They are not always able to clearly explain their thoughts, and they are easily aggravated when you don’t understand them. Those circumstances require patience and exceptional listening skills. In the book How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk, authors Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish write there is a direct connection between how children feel and how they behave. Dr. David G. Kelley, a licensed family therapist, says it is important “to help the children get their feelings out so that they will not act them out.”

Improving Relationships With Your Children

Improving your relationships is the underlying benefit of any conversation with your children. However, failure to actively listen can damage your relationships rather than improve them. Kelley says, “Children feel valuable when adults pay attention to them.” Sell agrees. She says, “It gives children pride in themselves to know that they are able to communicate and make themselves understood. It also helps them to feel they are important to that adult and that they have something to say that is interesting to the adult.

An important part of your relationships depends upon how comfortable your children feel expressing their ideas and emotions. Parents make two mistakes. First, they dismiss their children’s words and tell them how to think (i.e. “You don’t really feel that way”). Second, their responses discourage further interaction and communication.

Sell says, “The biggest problem I see with adult/child communication is that the adult thinks they have to answer all the questions and make everything okay for the child. The child really isn’t looking for answers; he or she is looking for a sympathetic and empathetic ear.”

Sell gives the following examples of successful and unsuccessful communication:

Successful Communication
Jake: Dad, everyone hates me.
Dad: Jake, it sounds to me like you are really unhappy.
Jake: Yeah, Dad. The bus was late today, and I forgot my lunch.
Dad: What a way to start the day.
Jake: Yeah. Then when you forget your lunch, you have to go through the lunch line, and then the guys already had a table and there wasn’t enough room
for me, and they told me to go away.
Dad: Man, that is really tough. What can I do to help you tomorrow?
Jake: Well, can you help me remember my lunch?
Dad: Sure, what else?
Jake: Also, will you take me to school if the bus is late? It’s really embarrassing
to get to school late.
Dad: I’ll try. If not, maybe we can work something out.

Unsuccessful Communication
Jake: Dad, everyone hates me.
Dad: Come on, you’re being ridiculous. Everyone doesn’t hate you.
Jake: Yes, they do.
Dad: I don’t want to hear you talk like that.

What can Jake say in the second example? Sell says, “(Jake) goes away just as unhappy as when he came to Dad.”

When you dismiss your children’s words or tell them how to think, you are telling them you don’t accept their feelings. This confuses and angers children and leads them to question whether they can trust their own feelings.

Furthermore, if you do not encourage interaction with your children, you stifle their desire to speak freely. As a result, you lose out on the intimacy of sharing. Sell says, “Good listening skills will lead to a good relationship. Spending time with the child in active communication is probably the only way a relationship will grow. Good communication produces mutual respect.”

Sell says, “Children are very sensitive to the way adults listen and when adults fail to be sensitive to children when they talk, the child will eventually give up and not talk to that adult. Listening to children shows that we care enough to take the time for that child.”

Listening Techniques

Most of us want strong communication and open relationships with our children. However, we never learned effective listening skills, and they do not come naturally. Becoming an effective listener takes hard work and practice. Here are some techniques to help you actively listen to your children:

1. Maintain good eye contact.
2. Listen with full attention.
3. Ask questions.
4. React using head and face gestures.
5. Acknowledge with words like “Oh”, “Mmm”, or “I see”.
6. Summarize the important points periodically.
7. Maintain attentive and respectful body language.

If your child is attempting to solve a problem, you can use the following techniques as well:

1. Give the feeling a name (i.e. anger, embarrassment, etc.).
2. Play games or give the child his wish in a fantasy.
3. Share a similar experience and how you handled it.
4. Help explore different options.
5. Offer your assistance, but avoid “fixing” the problem.
6. Follow up to see what worked.

When communicating with children, most adults want to talk instead of listen. As a result, they wind up judging or lecturing or trying to “fix the problem” for the child. These reactions damage the relationship and decrease the children’s self-worth.

If nothing else, adults should remember Mark Twain’s words: “If we were supposed to talk more than we listen, we would have two mouths and one ear.”

The Apologetic Administration

2009-06-15T07:45:00.000-07:00

I’m sorry.

How do those words make you feel? Probably open and receptive to what the speaker will say next. Apologies are transformative experiences wherein the person who feels injured now feels empowered.

President Barack Obama has been going around apologizing to just about everyone, and it has become an underlying story. President Obama has apologized for some of his political appointments. He has apologized to Nancy Reagan. Most recently, he has apologized to European leaders. Sean Hannity, and other political pundits, has been extremely critical of President Obama’s apologies. Hannity has even called the President’s overseas trip “the apology tour”.

Those who are upset about the apologies question what the United States has to apologize for, and they question why President Obama doesn’t spend his time talking about how great and unique the United States is as a country. Furthermore, they see the apologies as a sign of weakness, and they perceive that an apology to a European nation is akin to saying that our country is inferior to their country.

The whole apology debate has become a partisan issue. Those who favor the apologies find it refreshing because they perceive that former President George W. Bush apologized for nothing. Columnist Steve Adubato writes, “(Former President Bush) either refused or simply couldn't acknowledge any of his mistakes.”

Unfortunately, what’s lost in the political rhetoric is the true power of an apology. There has been too much debate about whether any injury actually occurred and whether the recipient is deserving of an apology. Instead, there should be a recognition that strong relationships are built on equality and evenhandedness.

Technically speaking, an apology is an acknowledgement that the person has created an injury and they are accepting responsibility for the damage. An apology can also be a powerful tool in negotiations and mediation. A conflict typically involves one person feeling injured by the other. Many times, it is not effective or helpful to focus on whether the injury actually occurred; rather, the apology itself enables closure and allows the people involved to move on so they are able to work together in the future.

Despite what is being said by the critics of President Obama’s apologies, it is not a sign of weakness to apologize. Strong leaders are able to show humility and admit mistakes. Strong negotiators understand apologies play an important role in transforming relationships.

Co-Parenting for Father's Day

2009-06-01T05:36:00.000-07:00

The first modern observance of Father’s Day is believed to have taken place in the early 1900’s. It became an official permanent holiday in the United States in 1972 when President Richard Nixon signed it into law. It is intended to be a family-oriented celebration of a father’s commitment to parenting. In many divorced families, however, it is a source of tension, frustration, and anger.

Some divorced parents harbor resentful thoughts like: Dad doesn’t seem to want to spend time with the child the rest of the year; Mom always finds a way to mess up my special day with the child; the child doesn’t even want to spend time with Dad; Mom never encourages the child to spend time with me; Dad doesn’t even pay his child support; Mom never uses my child support payments for the child. They then inject these negative feelings and thoughts into the holiday plans.

The laws and the courts have stated clearly that parents are expected to make decisions in the best interests of their children. It is widely regarded that in most situations this includes fostering a good relationship with both parents, which includes liberal time sharing.

However difficult this may be, parents must avoid putting their children in the middle and to reassure their children that they are not responsible for either parent’s behavior. Here are 5.5 tips that may make sharing these types of holidays smoother:

1. Be considerate and respectful of each other as you plan ahead. Children shouldn’t be left on their own to plan for the holiday. Ask Mom to assist with a card or gift and offer to reciprocate on Mother’s Day and her birthday.

2. Place the value of the holiday on time spent together, not money. Read a story; Go for a walk; Go to a park; Go fishing.

3. Avoid expressing your own negative feelings about your co-parent to the children; rather, listen patiently to the children and express hopeful feelings for improvement.

4. When speaking of your co-parent, maintain a neutral tone.

5. Don’t use your children as weapons against each other for past bad behavior by denying parenting time, by making plans that interfere with parenting time, and by not adhering to the schedule that’s been arranged.

5.5 Don’t depend on one day a year to build or validate your relationship with your children. Create an open and caring relationship based on mutual respect throughout the year.

4 Things Smart Parents Do During a Divorce

2009-05-15T08:35:00.000-07:00

Despite what we see on TV and in the movies, divorces don’t have to be an all-out war. Many couples find ways to settle their disagreements amicably. Many couples recognize how their behavior impacts their children. Many couples find ways to get through a divorce without tearing apart their children.

There are four main things smart parents do during a divorce.

1. Smart parents recognize and deal with the emotional impact divorce has on children. They educate themselves on children’s needs by attending classes, reading, and speaking with professionals. They learn ways to speak with their children about spending time with both parents, living in separate households, and legal issues. Smart parents also encourage their children to educate themselves and speak with professionals about their feelings and confusion.

2. Smart parents commit to putting their children’s needs first. Smart parents decide to drop the win-lose mentality and their selfish needs when they are in disagreement; rather, they focus on determining the best decision for the children. Smart parents agree not to argue or fight in the children’s presence. They do not bad-mouth the other parent. Right from the beginning, they agree upon a method for communicating and decision-making.

3. Smart parents encourage and assist in creating a loving, strong relationship between the children and the other parent. They encourage additional time together on top of the visitation schedule. They communicate about activities, happenings, and other special events. Smart parents even make sure they invite the other parent to participate in and attend the children’s activities.

4. Smart parents find alternative methods to settle their disputes. They use the services of a family therapist to understand the other parent’s point of view and break through the disagreements. Within the court setting, they take advantage of informal settlement conferences, case management conferences, and mediation. Smart parents know effective use of these options reduces the anger and hostility, lowers the expenses, and leads to better decisions for the children.

4.5 Smart parents persevere and don’t get frustrated … even when the other parent is being unreasonable and a complete jerk!

2.5 Reasons Parenting Plans are Important

2009-05-01T08:24:00.000-07:00

What is a Parenting Plan?

Florida Statutes now require all divorce cases to include Parenting Plans. The Parenting Plan explains in detail how the parents will exchange the children, when the exchanges will occur, and on which days. The Parenting Plan also discusses what will happen during summer vacations and holidays. Furthermore, the Parenting Plan deals with the parents sharing important information, discussing important decisions, and establishing phone contact between the children and both parents.

Parenting Plans provide both parents:
1. a structure for decision-making,
2. a method for future changes, and
2.5 a clear understanding of their agreement.

1. A Reliable Structure

Even in the best circumstances, there will be times, especially years down the road, when you simply don’t remember things you agreed upon. Furthermore, there will be times you informally changed your agreement because it seemed more practical to do so at that time. Then either you or your former spouse will want to make another change, and you find you are unable to come to an agreement. It is during those times of disagreement or forgetfulness you will benefit from a written document that tells you what you are supposed to do. Your agreement is your safety net when you’re not sure, or don’t agree, how to handle a new situation.

2. Life’s Changes

Aging is inevitable, and with aging comes changes in each person’s life. The plan that worked when the children were eight no longer fits into their teenage lifestyle and activities. When one parent remarries, their responsibilities increase and their time diminishes. Changes in jobs and careers impact available time for the children and impact location and time for exchanges.

These things will happen in your life as you get older, and a good Parenting Plan will provide a method and necessary flexibility to make changes to your agreement. Some Parenting Plans will even forecast specific changes and provide the exact way for you to handle them.

2.5 A Clear Understanding

Over time, it’s not unusual to forget what you agreed to. When those times arise, and you are in dispute how to handle something, you can pull out the Parenting Plan to be your guide in black and white. No guessing required.

Hard Lesson at the Hard Rock

2009-04-15T08:22:00.000-07:00

A few months ago, I decided to surprise Elisa with tickets to see Billy Joel in concert at the Hard Rock in Hollywood, Florida. She and I have been huge fans for 30 years, and we have both seen Billy Joel multiple times. Of course, it was one of the common interests that attracted us to each other. We were both thrilled about the opportunity to see him again.

As the concert’s evening drew closer, I discovered that my friend, Ricky, who doesn’t live near us, would be attending the concert as well. I told Elisa the additional exciting news, and I mentioned it a couple of more times before the date of the concert.

On the date of the concert, Ricky walked up to us at the Hard Rock, and Elisa gleefully proclaimed in surprise, “I didn’t know we were going to see you!” Elisa has a tendency to not always listen and to forget things.

Later, when we were alone, Elisa asked me, “Did you know we were going to see Ricky?”

I could have clearly expressed my feelings. I could have said I felt embarrassed when Ricky perceived that he wasn’t important enough for me to tell my wife that we would be seeing him. I could have told her that I feel frustrated when she doesn’t pay attention to the things I tell her.

I could have requested a specific action from her. I could have asked her to let me know when she’s distracted during our conversations. I could have asked her to let me know when she needs me to repeat something for her.

Instead of any of those better ideas, I responded to Elisa’s question by snapping somewhat sarcastically, “I told you at least three times.”

Certainly, this was not the correct way to clearly articulate to her my feelings and needs. Not surprisingly, my message blew past her unnoticed as she became defensive. Elisa responded with something along the lines of, “Ok, jerk. Now answer my question.”

www.StandByHousing.com

2009-04-01T08:00:00.000-07:00

Coping With Grief from Divorce

2009-03-15T08:10:00.000-07:00

All people involved with divorce and post-divorce matters in the court system understand that there are strong and difficult emotional issues that dramatically impact the legal issues. Solutions that may seem clear and logical are difficult to see because of the emotions wrapped around the facts.

I tell my divorcing clients that the emotions they shall experience are similar to the ones we feel when a loved one dies. In 1969, based on her years of working with terminal cancer patients, psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross introduced what became known as the “five stages of grief.”

It’s important for people divorcing to understand the stages of grief and their place in it, so they can progress towards healing. It is also important to understand that people move through the stages differently and with different reactions. Some people move through the stages rapidly and are quickly able to feel peace and renewed hope. Others move much more slowly and struggle with the sense of loss and sadness for years. Some will always experience intermittent sadness.

Kübler-Ross’ stages of grief have evolved to include the following stages:
• Shock/Denial: “This can’t be happening to me.”
• Anger: “Why is this happening? Who is to blame?”
• Bargaining: “Make this not happen, and in return I will ____.”
• Depression: “I’m too sad to do anything.”
• Understanding/Acceptance: “I’m at peace with what is going to happen/has happened.”
• Management/Action Plan: “I am ready to make plans for the future.”

Mental health experts say there are two important factors in healing from loss and maintaining self-esteem. The recommendations are to seek the support of other people and continue (or establish) healthy habits.

Support Groups

Mental health experts encourage people to talk about their feelings when they’re grieving, even if they aren’t comfortable talking about feelings under normal circumstances. Most people feel better and less alone knowing that others understand their grief.

Support can come from a number of different sources:
• Friends: Don’t get caught up in being strong and self-sufficient; Friends can be a huge benefit in healing, especially when you live far from family members.
• Family: Family members are a natural caring community for support and healing.
• Religious Community: People within your religious community can offer wonderful emotional support. If you’re estranged from your religious community or have none, this may be a good time to reconnect.
• Support Groups: There are many divorce support groups available.
• Mental Health Experts: Talking with a psychotherapist or counselor may be a good idea, especially if you have physical symptoms, such as trouble with eating or sleeping or your emotional state impairs your ability to go about your daily routine.

One cautionary note about support groups: Everyone grieves differently, so don’t let other people tell you how to feel. Additionally, don’t convince yourself you should feel a particular way either. Your grief is your own, and no one else can tell you when it’s time to “move on”. It is not uncommon to be angry, to cry, to yell, and even to laugh, so do so without being embarrassed.

Healthy Habits

Mental health experts encourage grieving people to take care of themselves both physically and spiritually. Divorce is a time to find strength and hope within yourself. The following can help:

• Take care of yourself physically: Get enough sleep, eat sensibly, and engage in regular exercise. Do not use alcohol or drugs to numb the pain of grief or lift your mood artificially.
• Express your feelings in a tangible or creative way: Write in a journal, garden, learn a new language, or get involved in a cause or charitable organization that is important to you.
• Plan ahead: Anniversaries, holidays, and other life-cycle events can be particularly challenging. Be prepared to take an emotional hit, and let others know ahead of time that an upcoming event shall be challenging for you.

Reduce Divorce Conflict Before You Get Married

2009-03-01T07:25:00.000-08:00

The popularity of premarital agreements is on the rise. One major reason is to avoid divorce litigation and high attorney’s fees if the marriage is unsuccessful. Premarital agreements, when done correctly, predetermine issues related to property and alimony resulting in less things to decide at the time of the divorce.

If you are planning on obtaining a premarital agreement, you should both obtain independent legal and financial advice, and you should both provide full and complete disclosure of your property, debt, and income.

Independent Legal and Financial Advice

There is no way one attorney can represent the interests of both persons. Legal advice is important because premarital agreements are typically lengthy documents filled with many pitfalls and unclear language. Under ethical guidelines, one attorney can’t answer questions and give legal advice for both of you.

Financial advice is important as well. You will be reviewing your future spouse’s property and debt and their separate values. Typically, the attorneys attach a sheet to the agreement disclosing all the financial information. You will want to clearly understand how the values were determined, and you may want review all the supporting records.

Full Financial Disclosure

It is important to value each individual item, to provide the date of valuation, and to disclose the method used for valuation. Exchange these financial statements before signing the agreement and allow complete access to all of the supporting documents. Your attorney may also recommend reviewing documents related to significant assets.

You should also consider exchanging copies of your will and estate planning documents to make sure those documents and your premarital agreement are consistent and carry out your intent.

Collaborative Divorces Stop Family Destruction

2009-02-15T08:14:00.000-08:00

How does the Collaborative process help stop a divorce from destroying a family?

That was part of the panel discussion at the 2008 Annual Forum of the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals. The panel was comprised of three couples who divorced using the Collaborative process.

One former husband explained that his Collaborative attorney said, “You may think you want more money or more property, but you main goal should be making sure your spouse and your children are healthy and happy five years down the road. If they’re not, then you’re lost.”

The former husband explained that discussion with his attorney was powerful. “It helped us to keep our child front and center.”

His former wife added, “If we can model a healthy divorce and a healthy post-divorce family, we’re doing our daughter a great service.”

For them, the Collaborative process allowed them to recognize and acknowledge their frustration and anger while mutually resolving the legal issues. All of the panelists described it as a protected and secure environment.

One panelist explained, “Even though we had hurt feelings, we were keeping our goals in sight, and we would keep the negative emotions from going to the next level.”

The ability to reduce conflict and acrimony positively affects minor children. “Our daughter is more relaxed and comfortable than she was before. She thinks our new family is normal.”

Some panelists pointed out it was a positive experience for their adult children as well. They used their adult children as a guidepost because they knew their children’s opinions of how they handled the divorce would impact their future relationships with those children. “Our adult child is happy that we’re doing something positive for our family.”

Success Stories

2009-02-01T08:12:00.000-08:00

“I spent all day yesterday with my ex-husband and his new girlfriend…And we had a wonderful time.”

Those are words you probably thought you would never hear after a divorce. However, they were really stated by a woman who was successfully divorced using the Collaborative process.

This lady and her ex-husband participated in a panel discussion at the 2008 Annual Forum of the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals. There were three couples who participated, and they all successfully used the Collaborative process.

One former husband said, “So many people think divorce has to be angry and bitter.”

Another former husband added, “They look at it as the final nail in the coffin.”

One former wife said, “The outcome we’ve had shocks a lot of people. You have to not listen to them and do what’s right for you.”

Another former wife concluded, “I wish there were more people who knew about Collaborative Divorces. All of my friends went through divorces so filled with anger. Their’s is a tragic story.”

A New Year's Resolution

2009-01-15T05:17:00.000-08:00

How can a family that is separated and dysfunctional be civil with each other?

How do you work through the tensions, the absoluteness, and the philosophical incompatibilities? How do you promote and foster relationships while accepting disagreements?

These questions are relevant to intact families as well because they are not immune from the disagreements. Every family has conflict and challenges.

The challenge of living with deep differences is critically important for the future of your family, and especially, your children. The answers to these questions can not be provided by wimps or by cynics. These matters take strength and conviction. Families can find a way to continue to communicate and empathize with each other despite the conflict and challenges. These skills exist and continue within both an intact family and a divorced family.

Families need to search for constructive answers because failure to do so means they will rely upon the easier destructive answers. Continuation of conflict and confrontation is assured and shall increase.

Here are some constructive answers to consider:

• Bring conflict into the light – don’t avoid discussing it
• Recognize and Acknowledge each other’s feelings
• Improve Listening Skills
• Control Anger
• Reframe by focusing on Outcomes, not Positions
• Seek solutions

Both intact and separated families need to forge a path for civil discussion and methodology that respects differences while enhancing relationships. Make your resolution now, for the New Year, to improve your family by recognizing, accepting, and applauding differences of all kinds. Let respect and civility be the cornerstone of your relationships.

Adam Walsh's Legacy

2009-01-03T15:50:00.001-08:00

In December 2008, the Hollywood police officially closed their case concerning the abduction of 6-year-old Adam Walsh. This act officially brought an end to one of the most famous and influential missing child cases in history.

Adam disappeared at a local mall 27 years earlier. Police found his severed head two weeks after his disappearance, and they never found his body. Adam’s father, John Walsh, became an activist, and his involvement led to a number of advancements in police searches for missing persons and “most wanted” criminals: a national television program, the creation of missing persons units, legislation creating a national database devoted to missing children, fingerprinting programs, increased security in schools, and, of course, children’s faces on milk cartons.

The Walsh case has left a legacy of fear as well. There was a notable shift in the way parents viewed the world their children live in. Mount Holyoke College sociologist and criminologist John Moran explains that Walsh’s efforts have made children and adults exponentially more afraid of the world. Moran said in an AP story, “He ended up really producing a generation of cautious and afraid kids who view all adults and strangers as a threat to them and it made parents extremely paranoid about the safety of their children.”

Whether Walsh’s actions led to unnecessary paranoia is not the subject of this article. There is no debate that evil people do live in the world, and it is possible for parents to be prepared without being paranoid. Every parent should know what to do if their child goes missing and know how to prepare for this situation before it happens.

Gather Your Child’s Information Now

• Use a quality color photograph. This is the most important tool for recovering your child. Update the photograph every 6 months for children six and under and annually for older children. Use a head and shoulder photo and write the date on the back of the photo.
• Have additional photographs saved on a CD or flash drive so the police can download them immediately into a database.
• Properly taken fingerprints may also be an important tool to recover your child. Local police departments usually print children as a public service.
• Know where your child’s medical and dental records are kept. If you relocate, obtain copies and take them with you.
• Keep a list of phone numbers for any home your child may visit.

If Your Child Goes Missing

The first two hours after a child goes missing are critical. Do not delay; Immediately contact the police!

• Immediately report your child missing to the police. Provide them with your Missing Child Information Sheet. Also request investigators to enter your child into the National Crime Information Center’s (NCIC) missing persons file.
• Ask police to issue a “Be On The Lookout” bulletin (BOLO) and ask about the AMBER Alert Plan.
• Limit traffic in your home until police collect possible evidence. You should recheck your bedrooms, closets, and yard; however, don’t remove or touch any items prior to the police.
• Write a description of your child’s clothing and personal items he had when last seen.
• Make a list of friends, relatives, and neighbors who might have information or clues. Contact all of them.
More Resources Available
For more information, you can contact The National Center for Missing and Exploited Children (1-800-THE-LOST) or visit www.ncmec.org

Parents Using Technology to Communicate

2008-12-15T05:06:00.000-08:00

Many years ago, my wife and I started communicating during the day by email. As a lawyer, I spend most of my day at my desk. As a teacher, my wife has the opportunity for planning time at her computer. As parents, we have the early morning rush getting the kids off to school and the evening rush getting the kids bathed and off to bed.

Our daily time together did not afford us the luxury of extended communication; therefore, we relied upon email to discuss important matters. My wife’s friend was shocked. He couldn’t believe that we did not have the time to discuss things face to face. He thought it was ridiculous that technology had become our staple for communication.

Face to face communication is important, and can’t be replaced; however, in today’s society, technology is an important tool to enhance communication, and it should not be overlooked. Technology can especially be effective for divorced parents.

Email and texting are lifesavers for divorced parents who do not communicate well. It is not uncommon for conversations to become angry and profanity-laced. By sharing emails and text messages, parents can relay the important factual information without getting embroiled in conflict. When speaking (not writing), divorced parents have a tendency to react immediately to the other parent. The conversation deteriorates quickly while the parents get caught up in the emotions rather than the information. Emails and texts can help parents move beyond the emotional reactions.

The problem with email and texting, however, is that they can help parents avoid the serious conversations that are necessary to heal and move beyond the conflict. A website called JournalForTwo.com may help in that regard. JournalForTwo.com is a private, online communications journal that is intended for use by two people. Members use the journal to communicate in an open and honest way without embarrassment or face-to-face confrontation. The JournalForTwo.com website says that it “provides enough distance for both parties to feel relaxed about sharing their innermost thoughts and feelings.”

Technology can also be used for organizing. It is difficult enough to juggle activities, school, and work in one household. It is further complicated when the juggling act involves two households. There are now companies that provide organizing and calendaring services on the internet. By using a service such as OurFamilyWizard.com or ShareKids.com, parents can post important appointments and activities to a shared calendar. They can communicate about exchange times and locations. They can also communicate about medical and other shared expenses. Everything is all in one place so the information can be posted at the convenience of the parent and read at the convenience of the other parent.

2008-12-01T07:30:00.000-08:00

Don’t Get Scrooged

For some reason, the book, “Don’t Get Scrooged”, called to me from its place amongst countless other books on the library shelf. I pulled it from its slot, and reviewed its cover.

How to thrive in a world full of Obnoxious, Incompetent, Arrogant, and Downright Mean-Spirited People.

This book sounded interesting. It’s within the realm of my work as a lawyer. It’s written by Richard Carlson, the author of “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff”. And it’s timely, as the holidays are just around the corner.

As I read through the book, I recognized it has many communication and relationship lessons families can use everyday, not just Christmas Day. Carlson writes, “Although airing your grievances with others may help you feel less alone and on rare occasion gets you good advice, more often than not it keeps you stuck in a bad mood.”

He explains that when some scrooge wrongs us, we spend time thinking about the incident and growing angry and resentful. Meanwhile, the offending scrooge has moved on without any further thought. “You, not the offending person, are the one who is suffering.”

Carlson says to quit rehearsing their wrongs. Quit rehearsing your rights. Only you can fix what’s running through your heart and head. Free yourself.

Carlson then goes on to offer practical advice that I will now share with you, and apply it to your daily family life.

Tip #1 – If people are not fulfilling your needs, or are walking all over you, you may not be clearly communicating what you need from them. You must take responsibility for your needs by clearly stating your rules and enforcing them. People learn what you will tolerate by your words and actions.

Tip #2 – Let scrooges win when it only has a short-term effect. Let them have their way, avoid them, and let them think they won. Why change your routine or habits or inconvenience yourself? Carlson answers, “To stay sane and happy, that’s why…You wouldn’t be changing your routine for (the scrooge). You’d be changing your routine for you.”

Tip #3 – Respect others and build a rapport with them. You’re not looking to manipulate others; rather, you are seeking to build a connection. “Once that connection is made, the person you’re working with will do everything in his or her power to help you.”

Tip #4 – Smile and keep a good mood. “If a bad mood can rub off on others, why not a good one?”

Tip #5 – Stop before you respond immediately to a scrooge. “Feeling wronged sets off our adrenaline and our instinctual fight-or-flight mechanism, but pausing puts us back in control, creating a sense of spaciousness, choice, and calm.” Pausing gives you perspective and may help you avoid worsening the situation.

Tip #6 – Expect less. If you already expect an unsatisfying outcome, why are you disappointed when that outcome occurs? Be realistic and plan accordingly. The outcome will be more bearable and less stressful.

Tip #7 – Scrooges don’t change because you made them change. You can lend them a hand, if they ask. You can point out impending disasters that they don’t see. The scrooge, however, is the only person that can make the change.

John McCain: A Lesson in Winning

2008-11-15T05:02:00.000-08:00

We are a people of contests. In our lives, we make decisions and advancements based on competition – in our courts, in our sports, and most recently, in our politics. Good and evil transforms into winners and losers. We just experienced one of the largest political races in modern history, and as in all competitions, only one contestant could win. Somebody had to lose. However, a loser can transform into a winner.

The person who lost the contest was Senator John McCain. However, Senator McCain also made headlines for his graciousness and his message of collaborativeness after a difficult defeat. After a long and challenging campaign, we could all certainly understand if he feels distraught, angry, and even cheated. Senator McCain himself recognized that when he said, “It’s natural, tonight, to feel some disappointment.”

However, Senator McCain did not dwell on those emotions. He didn’t choose to simply pay President-Elect Barack Obama lip-service with a disingenuous congratulatory message. He did say, “I had the honor of calling Senator Barack Obama to congratulate him on being elected the next president of the country that we both love.” He could have stopped there.

Instead, Senator McCain held out a sturdy olive branch, and he extended it with sincerity. He said that President-Elect Obama is a “good man” who “commands his respect”. He added, “I deeply admire and commend him for (his achievement).”

He then went on to urge his supporters to rally around President-Elect Obama. He did not ignore that they have different concerns and different solutions; however, he expressed his belief that there are common goals more important than the two of them as individuals. He said, “Senator Obama and I have had and argued our differences, and he has prevailed. No doubt many of those differences remain.” He added in the next breath, “And I pledge to him tonight to do all in my power to help him lead us through the many challenges we face.”

He went on to say, “I urge all Americans who supported me to join me in not just congratulating him, but offering our next president our good will and earnest effort to find ways to come together to find the necessary compromises to bridge our differences… Whatever our differences, we are fellow Americans.”

Unfortunately, his supporters were not heeding his message. As David Gardner wrote in a column following the election, “But his supporters were not so generous in defeat. Mr McCain had to stop them from booing Mr Obama's name.”

The lesson we can learn from Senator John McCain is that in our common challenges, we can dig deep to find a vision that transcends our personal needs and positions. Mutual concerns require a focus on mutual solutions, rather than a focus on polarized differences. That is how a loser becomes a winner.

Being Collaborative as a Family

2008-11-01T07:16:00.000-07:00

Every family has conflict and challenges. Families, however, can find ways to communicate and empathize with each other despite the conflict and challenges.

Families who are able to work through conflict typically focus on concerns and outcomes, not positions. Positions are pre-determined and tell the other person you are inflexible and unwilling to listen to what they have to say. Families who communicate effectively do not place a higher priority on being right than they place on the relationship itself. Members of these families acknowledge when the other person is correct and when the other person has made a valid point.

Here are some tips to help you focus on concerns and outcomes:

Write out your feelings and concerns before discussing them
Explain to the other person how their behavior is affecting you
Remove “blame” words from your discussion
Control your anger
Be flexible and willing to consider other’s suggestions
Commit to finding an optimum and workable solution

Unfortunately, even families who communicate well can find themselves going through a divorce. The effective communication skills the family members have developed can still be used in the divorce process.

These families accept the divorce and commit to avoiding conflict
These families keep the children out of the conflict
These families maintain a high level of communication between both parents and the children
These families view future co-parenting responsibilities as a business partnership

The Divorce World Is Flat

2008-10-15T07:11:00.000-07:00

I have been listening to the audio book of Thomas Friedman’s “The World Is Flat”. The book chronicles the technological and cultural changes that have occurred in the last twenty to thirty years. The end result being a flattening of the world, meaning the world is smaller, successful agencies are collaborating more, and this is all being done across oceans and not limited to across town.

This flattening effect is impacting divorce and family law in many ways as well, including the sharing of knowledge from all areas of the world and converting that knowledge into collaborative changes in procedure and philosophy. The flattening effect is also having a more practical impact on families caught in parenting issues.

The flattened world changes how we look at parenting time between parents and children. We have moved beyond personal visits and telephone calls. With the advent and minimal cost of email and texting, there are almost no obstacles to daily contact between parents and children, whether they live around the block or around the world.

In October 2007, Florida began a new law that recognizes and encourages electronic communication between parent and child (Florida Statute 61.13003). In fact, parents who wish to modify their existing parenting order to allow for electronic communication, do not have to prove there has been a “substantial change of circumstances” since the last order (which is the standard requirement). The statute is further evidence that technology has created realistic methods to supplement, not replace, face-to-face parenting time.

An area of growth is the use of webcams and the internet for parenting time. Families separated by distance are now a few clicks away. I have used Skype (an internet based video telephone service) on many occasions to communicate over great distances, and the technology is without a doubt reliable and impressive. Although there have been some bumps in the road, more times than not, I have held lengthy conversations with clear audio and video. It is truly now the next best thing to being there.

Litigation Is Dead

2008-10-01T07:06:00.000-07:00

Litigation is dead; Long live litigation!

It has become universally accepted by those who work in the family courts that the litigation model is really not effective for families embroiled in divorce. The traditional model typically leads to unnecessary and protracted conflict. Just by being treated as “opposing sides”, families are torn apart, and a bad situation becomes increasingly worse.

Many years ago, mediation became the new, alternative way to resolve disputes. The traditional model was recognized for all its flaws, and judges and lawyers were taught to focus on resolution instead of litigation. It was believed that mediation was the all-purpose answer. Mediation has had a huge impact in family court, and a large number of cases are effectively settled through the use of a mediator. However, the litigation model would not quietly die, and regrettably, some families still choose to settle their disputes inside the courtroom.

Not very long ago, the Collaborative Divorce method began to make inroads, and it became the new, alternative way to resolve disputes. It has been celebrated for its anti-litigation mindset, and it is increasingly an effective way to resolve divorces. However, once again, the litigation model won’t quietly die, and some families choose to beat an angry and hostile path to the courtroom.

Unfortunately, there are some people who just want the judge to settle their dispute, and they will fight like gladiators until their day in court (and beyond). Although there are many effective and acceptable alternatives to fighting, some people just have to fight. They don’t know how, or don’t want, to break out of that mindset. It is the same reason we continue to hear about acts of domestic violence and about abusive, inappropriate parents at the peewee football games who think their children are competing for the Heisman Trophy.

Sadly, litigation won’t die because a segment of our population will always want to litigate. For the rest of us, we are effectively using alternatives to litigation, and we are reaping the long-term benefits.

A New Day In Florida

2008-09-17T06:59:00.000-07:00

A new day has dawned in Florida concerning parenting concerns in divorce cases.

Effective October 1, 2008, the Florida legislature has stricken the terms “custodial parent”, “primary residential parent”, “noncustodial parent”, “rotating custody”, and “visitation” from the statutes (Chapter 61). Instead, the divorcing parents (or the Courts) are now to formulate “parenting plans” – defined as “a document created to govern the relationship between the parties relating to the decisions that must be made regarding the minor child and shall maintain a time-sharing schedule for the parents and child.”
A time sharing schedule is a timetable that specifies the time that a child will spend with each parent.

In creating a parenting plan, some factors the Judge is required to consider are both parents’ ability to facilitate and encourage a close and continuing parent-child relationship, to honor the timesharing schedule, and to be reasonable when changes are required.

These changes are a reflection of ongoing research that suggests children are better served when they are raised equally by both parents and spend equal time with both parents after a divorce. The statutory language was changed to reflect this concept and to reduce litigation concerning who is the better parent and who should have “custody” of the child. It clearly is intended for Courts to put the needs of the children over the needs of the parent. Additionally, the research does suggest problems in equal time sharing occur when parents continue to fight, if a parent is abusive, and if a parent is unfit in some way. These problems can be overcome with a highly structured plan and minimal flexibility.

The parent who is at a greater disadvantage is the parent who does not have the skills to treat their co-parent equally and with mutual respect. There is universal agreement that children thrive when they grew up in a loving, supportive environment that includes both parents. For example, the Children’s Rights Council suggests that children of your children’s ages should spend time with each parent at least part of each day or every other day.

Understanding Retirement Plans In A Divorce

2007-01-15T08:07:00.000-08:00

In divorce matters, under Florida law, pension and retirement plans are considered marital assets. Therefore, it is necessary for the spouses to determine the value of the plan and/or divide the plan by a specific court order called a Qualified Domestic Relations Order (QDRO).

Additionally, pension and retirement plans may have a nonmarital value if the plan pre-existed the marriage. The nonmarital value should be determined as well.

Once the value of the plan is determined, the spouse who has contributed to the plan (“participant spouse”) can decide if he/she wishes to keep all of the plan benefits in exchange for other marital assets.

A QDRO is a court order instructing a plan administrator to provide a portion of the plan to the non-participant spouse. The plan administrator must approve the order to make sure it doesn’t violate the terms and conditions of the plan.

A QDRO is necessary if the participant spouse can’t trade off other marital assets or the spouses can’t agree on the plan’s value. Some plans (i.e. military and government pension plans), however, do not accept QDRO’s.

WHEN CHILDREN GO MISSING

2007-01-01T11:08:00.000-08:00

The statistics on missing children in this country are staggering. That is why every parent should know what to do if their child goes missing. You should know how to prepare for this situation before it happens.

Gather Your Child’s Information Now

Take the time now to complete the Missing Child Information Sheet (which is attached). It takes just a few minutes, and you will be prepared in case your child goes missing. You can also use the top portion of the Missing Child Information Sheet as a poster/flyer for public distribution.

Use a quality color photograph. This is the most important tool for recovering your child. Update the photograph every 6 months for children six and under and annually for older children.
Have additional photographs saved on a CD or flash drive so the police can download them immediately into a database.
Properly taken fingerprints may also be an important tool to recover your child. Local police departments usually print children as a public service. Store the fingerprints with the Missing Child Information Sheet.
Know where your child’s medical and dental records are kept. If you relocate, obtain copies and take them with you.
Keep a list of phone numbers for any home your child may visit.

If Your Child Goes Missing

The first two hours after a child goes missing are critical. Do not delay; Immediately contact the police!

Immediately report your child missing to the police. Provide them with your Missing Child Information Sheet. Also request investigators to enter your child into the National Crime Information Center’s (NCIC) missing persons file.
Ask police to issue a “Be On The Lookout” bulletin (BOLO) and ask about the AMBER Alert Plan.
Limit traffic in your home until police collect possible evidence. You should recheck your bedrooms, closets, and yard; however, don’t remove or touch any items prior to the police.
Write a description of your child’s clothing and personal items he had when last seen.
Make a list of friends, relatives, and neighbors who might have information or clues. Contact all of them.

More Resources Available

For more information, you can contact The National Center for Missing and Exploited Children (1-800-THE-LOST) or visit www.ncmec.org.

Find a Way to Say Something Nice

2006-09-05T09:26:00.000-07:00

Even in the best of circumstances during a divorce, it may be next to impossible for you to speak positively about your (former) spouse to the children. The reality is that you must find a way.

Jayne A. Major, Ph.D., has an excellent article on this topic titled “Parental Control”, which you can read at Divorcemag.com. Major explains that children are not mature enough to process the negative feelings being said about their parent. It unfairly puts them in the middle of their two parents and forces them to choose sides.

Children need to form a bond with both parents, and they need to ultimately judge their parents on their own. As Major says, “We know that when parents can communicate and solve problems for the sake of their children, the outcome in dissolution can be positive.”

Go ahead and read the article at Divorcemag.com. You may find it enlightening.

It all comes down to choices

2006-08-30T13:05:00.000-07:00

I recently read an article by Knight Kiplinger of Kiplinger’s magazine. Kiplinger wrote:

“Sure, I yearn for some aspects of the America of my boyhood, the 1950s, when there was better social order and respect for authority, fewer divorces (underline added by me) and no public vulgarity in popular culture.”

He goes on to say:

“But that was also an era in which a higher proportion of Americans lived in poverty, air and water pollution was far worse, fewer young people could go to college, the average standard of living was much lower, and discrimination against women and racial minorities was rampant – and legal – in all aspects of American life.”

Relating Kiplinger’s words to my profession, it makes me wonder if our society was destined to have an increase in divorces as a natural result of the advances Kiplinger lists (and others he doesn’t list). Is it better to “stick out” a “bad” marriage, or is that also 1950s thinking that has gone the way of poverty, pollution, and discrimination as described by Kiplinger?

This is a question that has to be answered by each of us as individuals. However, I feel strongly that today’s opportunities don’t have to mean a complete absence of yesterday’s order and simplicity.

Improved technology doesn’t mean we have to lose personal contact. Increased income and education doesn’t mean we have to lose respect for others. An increase in divorces doesn’t mean we have to allow conflict and anger to consume our families.

It all comes down to choices.

We have the ability to choose to maintain personal contact, to maintain respect for others, and to maintain cooperativeness and civility in divorces.

Divorces are a regular part of today’s society. Conflict, anger, and violence don’t have to be. The choice is ours.

Welcome

2006-08-15T15:03:00.000-07:00

This blog is dedicated to discussing methods for low conflict divorces